I once heard that if a group of women all work in close proximity to one another, over time, their "monthly friend" will align and occur all around the same day. Now normally I would say, with a bit of cheer in my voice, "thank you God for making me a man!" I have found, however, that I am susceptible to a quite similar affliction. I call it emotive transference. The problem I have is this: Should there be an all-inclusive or at least majority-inclined emotion traveling throughout my place of work, and I only specify my place of work as that is the only situation in which I currently find myself that directly puts me in contact with other people on a regular basis, I tend to pick up on that emotion and, to whatever degree, assimilate it. For example, for two weeks a month ago most of the people at work were uncommonly rude, irritable, cold and just plain stressed out! I fought it off for most of the time and maintained a pleasant demeanor, but there were cracks in my armor. A little bit began to seep in and cover me. It soaked in through my skin and melded with the blood cells that flow within my veins, traveling to both the heart and the brain until, like a cancer, it overtook me. How did it happen? How could I be so blind to it's slow yet overpowering assault? Since that time I have had trouble focusing on my work or caring as much as I had when I first started my position. To be sure, stress is a killer. If you cannot defeat it, surely it will defeat you! I believe that period of stress has passed and I am recovering from its effects; however, when one plague withdraws another is sure to take its place. It is the nature of life to be put to the challenge of facing it's many battles and advance all the more assuredly with sturdiness and an improved strength of character. The new challenge is a deep sadness that seems to overwhelm me. Much of my acquaintances have recently lost loved ones to that eternal rift. It is strange to think how many in such a short amount of time have found themselves in similar situations. I know these people enough to be compassionate; however, I know them less than an adequate amount to make the inheritance of their grief a sound venture. I am bound by my desire to mend their broken heartedness and yet found ineffectual by my lack of sovereignty. I am undone by it.
So what happened to my armor? How could I not see, nor feel the infection that so delicately unraveled my well-intentioned self-protection? Permit me, won’t you, to ramble a bit.
The answers to these questions and the solution to my current state of melancholia lie within my very self. As an inherent cure that lies dormant whilst the disease freely infiltrates it’s host, waiting for that device which can stimulate it into action. The cure is wisdom. The device that can stimulate and activate wisdom is truth. Wisdom without truth is only always false. Truth enacted upon creates, in combination with our human and therefore insufficient qualities and characteristics of knowledge, intention, deduction and action, our experiences. Such an experience, once formed and re-combined with truth, can be held in judgment by truth. This provides us with a postmark of sorts that signifies either a success or a failure. This can then be analyzed and made useful in future endeavors, but only in so far as it is to say that it has become a piece of a much greater vision. These postmarked experiences begin to form the foundations for and very pieces of wisdom, as wisdom is truth that is enacted upon. So how does this relate to my current situation of armor fallibility? Well, let me ‘splain… No, there isn’t enough time for that… Let me sum up.
I allowed the disease to overtake me as I lacked the conviction of my heart and the determination to act. Like a guard set to protect the gate by standing to its side, watching as his enemy casually enters. Seemingly unconscious but in truth filled with fear and loathing. The fear is that of failure. The result of that fear is realized in the very thing that is feared! The loathing is of self as well as of his enemy. The guard loathes himself for not having the courage to accept the possibility of failure and yet act withal. He loathes his enemy out of pride. The enemy creates in him a sense of inadequacy that promotes the fear that he will not only fail in his duty, but be judged by others for it. In truth he loathes only himself and his very nature.
Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” My failure to act made my armor invalid and ineffective. I was not a reliever of stress for those around me nor for myself and, in the end, I was besieged by it. Fear corrupted my judgment. My fears that others stress could be misdirected at me, and that my desire to help could be misconstrued as interfering, combined with my general ignorance as to the true causes behind the originating stresses, rendering me fruitless. So what could I have done?
As an individual I have the opportunity and the right to maintain a pleasant constitution. To allow someone’s personal struggles to become my own is quite loosely codependent. I have the strength to be independent of others problems so that I might deal more effectively with my own. This is a different type of self-protection, a more effective one as it involves taking action. The action involved is one of self-defense and prioritization. The best solution I could have enacted would have been to maintain focus and heighten my own productivity level so that, as my workload diminished, I would have been free to alleviate the burdens of others. Just as taking no action results in various possible negative consequences, so then do impulsive reactions as well. And so, with the experience behind me, the outcome thus investigated and the truth sought out, I now find myself a little bit wiser for it. The truth of that wisdom is to be tested and verified by its very application. The opportunity to do so is presented in my current plight.
Similar to the previous scenario wherein work was the stress producer and stress the disease, the current perplexity is one that has the potential to influence my mental and emotional state. The prominent symptom is grief, the disease being sorrow. In learning from my previous experience I see that I cannot allow this situation to envelope my senses, fog my mind or distract my heart. The priority that I must hold to is defined by the duties of my current engagement. Plus, no matter how noble it may seem to entreat the desire to relieve the pain and suffering of others, it is not my place to do so within the realization that I am not close or personally connected with most to all of these people. Revealed by this then is the idea that one desire I have entertained is to develop relationships with others by demonstrating my openhearted kindness. It could be considered a selfish ambition. I do not mind.
So I stick to the principles of kindness. I do not lose the ability or the desire to be helpful, but I approach each situation with a renewed sense of priority and responsibility. In a way, by being more guarded I will avail myself to be more openly available.
This new truth may prove me wise when, once put into action, good benefits may provide. If to be wise is costly let it be only so much as I can afford, and thus speaks truth to my already knowing soul. Despite the very pleasantries surrounding them, I must prove weary of light distractions. This is true of the aforementioned diseases of stress and sorrow, called diseases by their context, as much as any other type of intrusive fascination. So I hear the call once again toward discipline. To heed its call proves wisdom correct. To ignore it proves only my own foolishness.
I feel as though I grow in understanding both my mind and heart with every step. I question not the terminus, I have accepted the journey and I continue on toward some unrevealed destination. I take a little less than fear, a little more than courage and a smile upon my face as I am now changed again.
Inhale…. Let it out…. Aaaaaaannnd we’re good!
