hurly-burly

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...

2007-01-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

Hooray for drugs!!!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't usually take anything for anything... but recently I came to the conclusion that I need some help. I went to see a psychiatrist about taking something for ADHD tendencies. He confirmed my suspicions that I have ADHD, Anxiety, and depression... nothing full blown, but I have them. So I've started taking drugs, and let me tell you, I am lovin' it! Better than McDonalds for damned sure!!! ("I'm lovin' it"... sort of a pun... yeah, I know... not really funny... deal with it!) I have noticed I feel better at work because I'm more focused... and then a couple of days ago I left for work without taking my morning dose! It was a difficult morning anyway because of some stress in the office, but when I went home for lunch really crabby and grumbly, I took my little white pill and presto chango (It doesn't really work like that but it sounds like fun doesn't it?) I did notice a considerable lift in my attitude and the rest of the day went well... I'm excited and hopefull that these little pills will really aid in and may just be the missing key to my plans of taking over the world! Well, at least I'll get my work done and be a little happier... maybe even a little more self-confident! Ok, intro over. On to other stuff:

It has been a while and there is soooo much that has happened...but I am soooo lazy I'm not going to tell you about it! Isn't that nice of me?! I will tell you this: I have finished another painting (4ft x 5ft Oil on Canvas) The inspiration came from, you guessed it... or maybe you didn't... a girl! Well, as many of you already know, I've seen Rachel three times now and overall I give her four stars. I have come to realize that she is an interesting woman who I would really like to get to know better... the only problem is that she isn't contacting me. I don't know if it is that she is busy... she has a hectic schedule, started a new job, plus the holidays... or if I made a less than magnanimous impression the last time I visited her. She lives in the Twin Cities of Minnesota and the distance isn't so much an issue as the lack of communication (issue for me that is). I don't expect that after three visits I would represent any sort of priority to her, but I'm a person who, when I am attracted to another person, would call every day just to hear the sound of her voice... but I don't... mainly because she would think I'm crazy... it's funny how some of the things our culture used to see as romantic, courteous, and cavalier is now seen as crazy... THAT'S CRAZY!!! Anyway... So I'm doing my best to be patient and play the game. If I don't hear from her by the end of the month I'll call, and then I'll just let it go.

So in lieu of this, I've been keeping my eyes open and I'm beginning to establish communications with various individuals of the feminine persuasion... girls that is.

So now that I have finished "An Idea of Rachel", the oil painting I mentioned... I will be starting a new oil on a 4ft x 8ft tall canvas!! Big!! Really Big!! I finaly got the idea for what it should be. I'm excited to get started on a new project... I'm averaging three paintings a year right now, but with the size increase and depending on the style this one might take up most of 2007!

Well, After so long of a dry spell, I hate to cut it short, but I'm staying after work to do this and I'm hungry and tired...

so ok... bye!

An exploration into self: Being change

2006-09-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

I once heard that if a group of women all work in close proximity to one another, over time, their "monthly friend" will align and occur all around the same day. Now normally I would say, with a bit of cheer in my voice, "thank you God for making me a man!" I have found, however, that I am susceptible to a quite similar affliction. I call it emotive transference. The problem I have is this: Should there be an all-inclusive or at least majority-inclined emotion traveling throughout my place of work, and I only specify my place of work as that is the only situation in which I currently find myself that directly puts me in contact with other people on a regular basis, I tend to pick up on that emotion and, to whatever degree, assimilate it. For example, for two weeks a month ago most of the people at work were uncommonly rude, irritable, cold and just plain stressed out! I fought it off for most of the time and maintained a pleasant demeanor, but there were cracks in my armor. A little bit began to seep in and cover me. It soaked in through my skin and melded with the blood cells that flow within my veins, traveling to both the heart and the brain until, like a cancer, it overtook me. How did it happen? How could I be so blind to it's slow yet overpowering assault? Since that time I have had trouble focusing on my work or caring as much as I had when I first started my position. To be sure, stress is a killer. If you cannot defeat it, surely it will defeat you! I believe that period of stress has passed and I am recovering from its effects; however, when one plague withdraws another is sure to take its place. It is the nature of life to be put to the challenge of facing it's many battles and advance all the more assuredly with sturdiness and an improved strength of character. The new challenge is a deep sadness that seems to overwhelm me. Much of my acquaintances have recently lost loved ones to that eternal rift. It is strange to think how many in such a short amount of time have found themselves in similar situations. I know these people enough to be compassionate; however, I know them less than an adequate amount to make the inheritance of their grief a sound venture. I am bound by my desire to mend their broken heartedness and yet found ineffectual by my lack of sovereignty. I am undone by it.

So what happened to my armor? How could I not see, nor feel the infection that so delicately unraveled my well-intentioned self-protection? Permit me, won’t you, to ramble a bit.

The answers to these questions and the solution to my current state of melancholia lie within my very self. As an inherent cure that lies dormant whilst the disease freely infiltrates it’s host, waiting for that device which can stimulate it into action. The cure is wisdom. The device that can stimulate and activate wisdom is truth. Wisdom without truth is only always false. Truth enacted upon creates, in combination with our human and therefore insufficient qualities and characteristics of knowledge, intention, deduction and action, our experiences. Such an experience, once formed and re-combined with truth, can be held in judgment by truth. This provides us with a postmark of sorts that signifies either a success or a failure. This can then be analyzed and made useful in future endeavors, but only in so far as it is to say that it has become a piece of a much greater vision. These postmarked experiences begin to form the foundations for and very pieces of wisdom, as wisdom is truth that is enacted upon. So how does this relate to my current situation of armor fallibility? Well, let me ‘splain… No, there isn’t enough time for that… Let me sum up.

I allowed the disease to overtake me as I lacked the conviction of my heart and the determination to act. Like a guard set to protect the gate by standing to its side, watching as his enemy casually enters. Seemingly unconscious but in truth filled with fear and loathing. The fear is that of failure. The result of that fear is realized in the very thing that is feared! The loathing is of self as well as of his enemy. The guard loathes himself for not having the courage to accept the possibility of failure and yet act withal. He loathes his enemy out of pride. The enemy creates in him a sense of inadequacy that promotes the fear that he will not only fail in his duty, but be judged by others for it. In truth he loathes only himself and his very nature.

Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” My failure to act made my armor invalid and ineffective. I was not a reliever of stress for those around me nor for myself and, in the end, I was besieged by it. Fear corrupted my judgment. My fears that others stress could be misdirected at me, and that my desire to help could be misconstrued as interfering, combined with my general ignorance as to the true causes behind the originating stresses, rendering me fruitless. So what could I have done?

As an individual I have the opportunity and the right to maintain a pleasant constitution. To allow someone’s personal struggles to become my own is quite loosely codependent. I have the strength to be independent of others problems so that I might deal more effectively with my own. This is a different type of self-protection, a more effective one as it involves taking action. The action involved is one of self-defense and prioritization. The best solution I could have enacted would have been to maintain focus and heighten my own productivity level so that, as my workload diminished, I would have been free to alleviate the burdens of others. Just as taking no action results in various possible negative consequences, so then do impulsive reactions as well. And so, with the experience behind me, the outcome thus investigated and the truth sought out, I now find myself a little bit wiser for it. The truth of that wisdom is to be tested and verified by its very application. The opportunity to do so is presented in my current plight.

Similar to the previous scenario wherein work was the stress producer and stress the disease, the current perplexity is one that has the potential to influence my mental and emotional state. The prominent symptom is grief, the disease being sorrow. In learning from my previous experience I see that I cannot allow this situation to envelope my senses, fog my mind or distract my heart. The priority that I must hold to is defined by the duties of my current engagement. Plus, no matter how noble it may seem to entreat the desire to relieve the pain and suffering of others, it is not my place to do so within the realization that I am not close or personally connected with most to all of these people. Revealed by this then is the idea that one desire I have entertained is to develop relationships with others by demonstrating my openhearted kindness. It could be considered a selfish ambition. I do not mind.

So I stick to the principles of kindness. I do not lose the ability or the desire to be helpful, but I approach each situation with a renewed sense of priority and responsibility. In a way, by being more guarded I will avail myself to be more openly available.

This new truth may prove me wise when, once put into action, good benefits may provide. If to be wise is costly let it be only so much as I can afford, and thus speaks truth to my already knowing soul. Despite the very pleasantries surrounding them, I must prove weary of light distractions. This is true of the aforementioned diseases of stress and sorrow, called diseases by their context, as much as any other type of intrusive fascination. So I hear the call once again toward discipline. To heed its call proves wisdom correct. To ignore it proves only my own foolishness.

I feel as though I grow in understanding both my mind and heart with every step. I question not the terminus, I have accepted the journey and I continue on toward some unrevealed destination. I take a little less than fear, a little more than courage and a smile upon my face as I am now changed again.

Inhale…. Let it out…. Aaaaaaannnd we’re good!

Depressed as Hell

2006-09-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been depressed... I know this because I'm not happy. I am usually pretty happy, expecially these days. I'm divorced, starting a new life, trying to move forward. I have a job and a place to live and I'm painting more and painting better than ever before... so why am I depressed? I'm lonely... and I'm lonely.

I'm Lonely Part 1:
I am lonely from a purely social aspect. I have met one person around my age in the area and I'm glad for it, but there just isn't a very large population of people my age here. I think there are some around, I just haven't figured out how to get connected with any of them. It sucks! I wish I were introverted, then at least I could sit and read and be happy! I'm trying to be patient but I get all buggy!!! I'm so glad to be painting though, the paintings make me focus and take up my time with something I love doing... I guess my real problem is that I'm lonely!

I'm Lonely Part B:
I am depressed because I'm lonely. Not just lonely, I mean I'm downright gloomy!!! Why? Why you ask? Well, I just want to be happy. I just want to try and be happy anyway. I want to start dating. It has been a year since my divorce finalized and I feel more than ready to get out there... unfortunately out there right now means wandering around the woods hoping to find a single, attrative woman in the area with a decent personality who doesn't have kids and hopefully has higher than a fifth grade reading level. Cruel, I know. I just feel very much alone and I don't like it. I'm not looking to get married or anything, just date a bit and so why don't I just ask out someone from work since that is the only source of single women I know of within 50 miles and there are at least two in my age range? I don't know... why are you asking me such difficult questions?

Ok, so it's probably that I don't want to get into a situation that could compromise my position here at work... but also...

I'm Lonely Part iii:
I'm lonely because I have no idea what I am doing. I know that is "ok" but I hate it. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to act around women... I'm like Christian de Neuvillette. A nice sociable person, able to talk to just about anyone... except of course women. I get around someone I might actually like and I say stupid things and come across weird and paranoid. I am not as much that person apart from certain situations of romanticized possibilities. I am afraid to push forward with any situation simply because there are none to speak of and yet to wait and wait and wait for a situation that may never present itself simply pisses me off! Perhaps I am simply magnifying the situation in my mind out of a hope or a fear or idealistic fancy... Perhaps what I am truly afraid of is that which I seek... Aghast! I am an idiot!

So... what shall I do to remedy my current impediment?

I have an idea that I should stop thinking, start dating and simply deal with the consequences of my mistakes which I am sure to make. But then only a fool would... Arg! How do you stop it? How do you shut it off? The thoughts compound within my brain and create a sence of discontent that as a cancer consumes me. I wish to be free of this worrisome disposition.

Friends I call upon you to aid me in my time of woe. Avail to me your words of wisdom and I shall not turn a deaf ear.

Spine Tinglingly Good...

2006-08-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't written in a while... I know this because a few of you have actually told me so. This is good. This means you are reading what I have to say and that makes me feel like I am A) Not wasting my time B) Able to express myself and know someone is actually taking the time to ingest it which makes me feel C) pretty good!

SO WHAT'S NEW?

I am so glad that you asked me that. I am... is this thing on... oh, ok... ok, thanks...

Firstly: This very day, after work (that thing I'm doing right now.... well, was doing... a couple of minutes ago.... yeah... ) I am going to be meeting a lovely, at least I think she's lovely I don't really know since we've not actually met I mean for all I know she could turn out to be a real hideous type of person like that girl on that one show... you know the one I mean... (Love it... I sound like some old great aunt who is annoying as hell but you love anyway! or like that one matchmaker lady in Fiddler... "But she's a nice girl, a good girl, a good catch... yes? yes....well, maybe) So I'm going to be meeting up with this girl that I have been on and off writing to for a few months. She lives in Tomahawk (about 20 min.) I don't know if I like her or not, which is reasonable since I haven't met her yet... but from what I do know I think she could at least become a friend, which is really the goal (and at this point my only objective) anyway.

Secondly: I have been playing pool at least once a week. There is a bar downtown that offers free tables on Wed. and Sundays... it's kinda funny to think about. Last Sunday I went to church and then the bar! I'm not back to the level of play I was at in college, but time will help with that. (of course by time I mean practice)

Lets see.... Thirdly: there is no thirdly... I am out of irdly's!

It's about.... Time

2006-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Has it really been so long since I have sat down to write out some lengthy complaint, I mean commentary on my life? I suppose so... my mind has been filled with wonderous and yet devistatingly wandering thoughts as of late.

I have found my attempts at making connections in my new surroundings to be difficult at best. First of all, most of the people I work with live at least a half an hour away so it makes hanging out somewhat difficult. Add a family in and it makes things even harder to arrange. Families are good and I am glad for those that have them around, I just mean to say that it can be difficult to schedule with so many variables involved. Then you have the fact that I don't know anyone here to begin with... it seems the easiest way to meet people is through people, so when you don't know people your kinda screwed! So I've tried different things to attempt meeting people from this general area. The internet with all it's wonder has proven to be more of a detriment than anything. I pick a few people to write to in the area, or surrounding areas as it were, and we begin a dialogue... that dialogue will either die off quickly as one finds a lack of commonality with the person on the other end of the line or it will seem to develope to the point where a certain level of comfortability is attained. At this point one might begin talking on the telephone... Now mind you, I have certainly remained open to the possability of any situation developing into a more romantic based relationship... dating... but I am not so much looking for a date as a friend... a connection within the community that I currently find myself... It is interesting though how almost every time the conversations begin to get interesting and I am actually learning about another person, which facinates me because of how unique each person is one from another, and I am allowing myself to develope a hope that this person or persons, who seem quasi-normal, could perhaps become a real friend... not just a voice coming out of a machine... it seems the person on the other end of the particular situation I tend to find myself in decides to back away... it is normal I guess to question the validity of any relationship, but why do I continually find myself shut down?

I ask myself if I have done anything to cause this type of behavior... the answer I have come up with may sound slightly arrogant, but I cannot seem to find any other at this time. To begin with I typically will talk with women... single women are much more enjoyable to talk with than other guys, for obvious reasons. I don't know if they begin to like me and that scares them, but I do know that there are a few things I have found consistant. One) I treat, and therefore talk to, each person with respect and courtesy. I try to be polite and somewhat accomodating. I have my own opinions and I do not cater to them, but I try not to be rude... I find this is a rare thing in men today. Many have told me they are not used to this type of behavior... they are used to being treated like garbage. The funny thing is that because of this they perhaps do not know how to handle it, back off, and I am then left wondering what in the blazes of hell happened? I feel as though, once again, I am being punished for doing the right thing! I tried to be a jerk once, with all my heart I tried and I was not effective! I feel it is more important today to remain respectful and treat people with a kindness many will not afford because it separates us from common cowards. People are such fragile and beautiful things, we must be mindful of our capability to bring both pain as well as happiness into others lives. Two) I am sick and tired of what I call "internet personalities." People who put on the mask of internet identities so they can say and do, or at least infer, things they would not normaly do around certain parties. Why the fascade? Why not be honest with who you are? If my experiences on the world wide web are any appproximation of the whole, I would wager the entire thing is filled with broken people... and although pretty much everyone is broken, this is particularily dangerous ground as it gives way to what some might consider "harmless" interactions. In truth, the cold vastness of the web and the separation in our minds making it seem like a game, yet not a game as it is typical to play a game with other people, but I speak as video gaming where one person plays alone, with no actual human interaction at all, makes people do things and say things that have the potential to affect others in negative ways that can damage the psyche as well as the heart. Why is it that people sit at a computer and type as I do now messages to... nobody? I realize there are those who are reading this message at some later time than I write it, and that gives me reason to do so; and yet, I AM more free to express myself knowing it is simply out there... somewhere waiting. My thoughts become public and should therefore be considered before given form of expression. In general, I write because it helps me to understand myself and communicate my needs, my feelings and my thoughts to you, the reader... and yet at times it all seems so pointless, so cold, so alone.

Time is astringent. It closes in around me and abrades me so. In one moment I can experience the utmost highs of joy and elation, while in the next... death hides in the shadows of malcontent.

I feel as though I shall never see another waking dawn with eyes of optimism... but then the hands of time turn once more and I, looking down at a life I did neither ask for nor deserve, will smile. I will smile and realize, it is never as bad as it seems, it is always getting better if you look into the light rather than the shadows.

I have to get out of my head right now... I mean, RIGHT NOW!!! I read what I write and wonder if I am losing what little mind God has given me... then I remember...

My mind is a complete... Blank.

2006-06-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Wow,I am having writers block or something like that... It seems that there is so much going on and yet I can't think of a thing to write lately. Here are the basics... hopefully some great idea will arive soon and then I'll write a whopper of a journal entry... but until then:

Father's Day was Sunday. I called my dad and it was great to talk with him. I am going to be travelling home this coming weekend to see my family and celebrate both Fathers day and my brother-in-law Jason's graduation from college! Kudos Big Bro!

Apart from that I am still working on the whole networking thing. People are people wherever you go so it shouldn't be too difficult to connect, it is really an issue of timing. You have to have something going on that sort of brings people together in the first place. I wasn't paying attention and missed the arts and crafts show last weekend (even though my sister tried to remind me!) Oh well!

I have been working on one painting since march and I am excited about that. I have always blown through assignments in school and been impatient with my artwork in the past so I have decided only to paint when I feel like it. This is great because there is no pressure to get it done... I worked on it from about 9pm till 2am on Saturday and then for another four hours on Sunday! I figure another month or so should do it!

Take care, I'll write again when I think of something.

Blah Blah Back Shleep!

2006-06-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, sitting in the library typing into my online journal blog thing. I've missed a couple of weeks so I will try to sum up what is happening:

Over Memorial Day weekend I visited my very good friends Chris and Gianna (+ Maya) in Minnesota. It was a fantastic weekend and I was introduced to "Disk Golf." I have to say, I think I am hooked. This is a great game for three reasons. 1) It is good exercise. Not only is it good exercise but it is the best kind of exercise, fun exercise! 2) It is a great way to spend time with friends because you talk about the game but it also gives you time to talk about... anything you want. and 3) Most of the courses are FREE!!! This is a huge plus! You can pick up used disks at Play It Again sports for around $4 each and then go! (For those who are like I was before that weekend visit and have never heard of this fabulous sport, Disk Golf (sometimes referred to as Frisbee Golf) Is basicly like Golf in that you are trying to make your way to the hole or basket as it were through a series of swings... only in this case you use your arms instead of a club and a disk rather than a ball. Some disks are made to fly left or right while others fly strait. Look it up, it's cool!

So we had a great time and some engaging conversations... my favorite conversations were with Maya. It goes something like this:

Maya: HI!!!
Me: HI!!!
Maya: HI!!!
Me: HI!!!
Maya: Eh... garbulo fabrish blabublabu -gasp- (pause) HI!!!

and so on... it's good we speak the same language!

I learned a couple of very important things over the weekend. Things I needed to see about myself so I can make some changes to be happier in this life. The biggest one is that I'm missing it. I think and worry and read into and blow things out of the realm of necessary realism to the point that I am not happy, at least not as happy as I could be. I'm missing life! I don't want to miss life! That sucks!

I (once again) have decided to be more aware of life happening around me. To not get so caught up in what might be or could happen. I want to just enjoy life! Sometimes I get so over wrought about the possability of making a mistake that I mess things up but good! Even worse, I am overflowing into my friends. In short I am making life too heavy and as one friend told me once, "you make life too heavy and you won't be able to carry it." So whoopidy doo! I'm just going to live life as fully as I can and enjoy it! I am making a resolution to not worry about what other people think of me. I fall into that trap all too often. I can't control what people think and unless I ask outright, I'm only assuming they are thinking bad things so really I am self defeatest! Ug! Why? What's the point of that?

I also learned that I need to forgive myself. The topic came up that I am so greatful to all my friends who so graciously took me back after I pushed you all away. I find myself not feeling right about this because I don't feel I deserve your friendship. The truth, as Chris helped me to see, is that friendship isn't earned to begin with, it is given. I am so fortunate and happy to call each of you my friend! Thank You! Thank You times infinity! Chris also helped to figure out, and I believe this to be true, that I never really left any of you... at least not in my heart. I did what I thought was right at the time, but I never really disliked anyone or completely dissolved the relationship within or I would never have come back in the first place.... ok, so now I just have to move on, forgive myself and (here we go again) simply appreciate the time I have with each of you rather than missing it by thinking all this stuff all the time!

Well, that's about all the garbage I can sift through in one sitting. Since that visit I have mainly worked alot. Things seem to be going well there. I also was fortunate to spend time with new friends here in Rhinelander over this past weekend! Yep, the networking has begun. Dan is a guy who lives in the appartment above mine and we have run into each other a couple of times. Saturday we went downtown and had a beer and played pool. It was fun. Then on Sunday we went to see X-Men, the Last Stand. I can't even begin to talk about that because I don't want to give anything away. It was awsome. I am very upset and wondering what future storylines might have in store for the X-men, but it was a great movie none the less.

Gotta go eat now, Talk to you all soon,

Matthew the not so terrible.

Great Things Are On The Horizon....

2006-05-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

I think they are trees, but one can never be sure...maybe giants...maybe not.

Hmmm...

Hi!

Everybody's Happy!

2006-05-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

Man, that is fantastic! Either everyone is happy and you would not change anything in your present life, or nobody read last Thursdays entry! Since I know you are out there, and I know at least some of you read it, I can only infer that you are completely satisfied with your lives and that makes me happy!

Ok, on to present business: I AM IN A FUNK!!!

I think the combination of crappy weather, lack of sleep, constant headaches, and the strange voices in my head that compell me to KILL, KILL, KILL, are starting to get me down. I don't know.

To be perfectly honest I think I'm lonely. This most recent of female dobacles has left me with an uneasy feeling inside. I am trapped between the feelings of desire for companionship and the knowledge that I have to be very carefull right now who I let into my life. I am only at about half capacity as it is, one dysfunctional person added to the heap and I might just go under! What does that mean? I don't really know myself. I'm venting, you don't have to completely understand it to vent it! I'm being self protective and that is a good thing. I have repeatedly become who I think some other person in my life wants me to be, for acceptance, for emotional saturation, to make me feel whole. The funny thing is I am more and more becoming less whole when I behave this way. If I can't be myself than I become a liar. A liar with good intentions true, but we all know where the path pave with good intentions will get you! And I'm not talking about Dallas here! (Although I have never been, I'm pretty sure it rates a close second.)

So what's up with this recent girl situation? I let it go completely. She has called me twice in the past week to "say hi" and I have been out both times. I sort of feel bad but I think distance is wise right now. She needs to be right with herself first and I really feel her latching on for stability, acceptance, emotional saturation, to feel whole... sound familiar? Why do you think I spotted it?! So I find myself wondering... am I doing this girl a disservice? I mean, I am feeling lonely and to have someone back away right now would make me more lonely... so I should be supportive, right?

WRONG! Dead wrong. I have the same tendencies as she does (made obvious a moment ago) This means that it would be real easy for both of us to become what we don't want to become! (Sort of codependent like) And that would be bad... very bad.

So I am learning...

This entry to be continued as there is a gentleman who needs my computer for various reasons. God Bless you all and... yep, pray for me. I need all the help I can get!

-M

Hey, it's Thursday!

2006-05-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

Check it out! I'm at the Library AGAIN! Paying more bills and wondering if the rain is going to stop. It is now a sort of ice storm so I am feelin' real good about now. They were calling for 3-5 inches of snow today so I can't complain too loudly! Oh that's right, it's because I'm in the library!

Thought to ponder: If you could change one thing, just one thing in your life right now, what would it be? Leave your answers in the comments bin.

LaterGater,

Matthew the Terriblessed

AAAAHHHHHMMMMM Gonna Kill Somebody!!!

2006-05-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

I HATE CREDIT CARDS!!!! More than that, I HATE DEALING WITH CREDIT CARD PEOPLE!!!!

I am trying to pay my bills online today during my lunch break. I have the same problem with the same card every (almost every) time I try to make a payment! Citi's website is constantly not recognizing my password or user name. I try to change it and they tell me to enter all this information, which I do, only to find they now say... uh... that... I don't think that's right... try back tomorrow!

UG!

So I call them AGAIN!!! They are REAL nice on the phone (although there is a hint of sarcasm there I do have to be fair and explain that most of the time it is a pain in the @$$ to deal with these folks, however today I must have been lucky because the lady on the phone was the best csr I have ever run into!) so my information is reset yet again. I have to wait 15 minutes to attempt changing my password AGAIN, hoping I don't get bumped AGAIN!!

UG!

Here then is the moral of this story... actually two morals.
1) Be better organized. This whole headache only happens because I tend to be just disorganized enough to misplace my password list on the day I need it. I am now writing my new password in a book that will be placed in the drawer of my desk when I get home! (Not really, I have another location picked out... like I'm going to broadcast that on the internet! Geesh!)

2) Be dilligent with your finances, make wise decisions and only use credit for emergencies or if you already have the money to make the payment. Debt is no joke and puts you just where you do not want to be... at the mercy of the creditors!

Gotta go now, Ta!

-Pissed off white guy with a buttload of debt!

I'm Back!!! Did You Miss Me?

2006-05-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back! It is a small thing to most of you who probably did not even know I was gone, but I am back none the less. I am tired because the trip was long. It was very enjoyable, but it was long... and I am tired, now.

I was informed recently that I was to attend a conference in Chicago for work. Those of us who were going met at work on Sunday and drove down in rented vehicles. I drove the WHOLE WAY down! Not a big deal really, I'm used to driving most of that way to visit my folks anyway! And this was an even better trip because I had real people in the car to keep me company. Real people are great!

The conference is yet in swing; However, for a few of my coworkers and myself, a one day intensive was all that was assigned. Monday was full of both wonderful information and useless information! Overall I appreciated the opportunity to go for two reasons. First of all I did learn some things and have new ideas to contribute to the company. That is great and all, but for me the best thing I received was an opportunity to spend time with people I work with in a less formal setting. We went to dinner as a group and laughed and drank wine and laughed a little harder. Six of us went after dinner Monday to the top of the Hancock building and drank $10 martinis! They were fantastic! Just to prove how economical I am, I even took it upon myself to drink the margaritta that was made wrong and charged thus "on the house!" (Nobody wanted it! I couldn't believe it! It was made perfectly!) And then, knowing my limit (I recognized it right away by a single thought that entered my mind... "Man, I want to go dancing!!!") We walked back to our hotel and talked a while before turning in. I wasn't really all that loopy, but I can tell you I slept like a baby!

This morning about half our party got ready and drove back to Rhinelander. We got back just in time to say hello, goodbye, see you tomorrow! Which is fine because, as I mentioned earlier... I'm tired!!!!

So I don't really know why I'm here at the moment, I guess I am just happy with how the conference went and still have a little energy to spend.

As a side note, I think it sounds too much like we just went to chicago, got drunk and came home. To be clear, we had a couple of drinks at the end of the night but the majority of the time spent was in sessions and socializing about the sessions. About 1/3 of the speakers were informative and entertaining, 1/3 were informative but not great speakers and, unfortunately, 1/3 were just plain crap! But if you get one good useable idea for every five bad ones, it was worth it.

Ok, so I'm going home now.

BUT FIRST!!!!

I received a responce to last weeks entry:

Hey, what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll come back around again
Hey, whatever it means to you
Know that everything moves in circles

-Incubus, Circles

It is interesting to read and I'm not sure how it was intended. I would take this to say "Hey, don't worry about it. If it is the right thing, it'll come back around again down the road." or "Beware! Don't head down a road you've been down before... especially one that caused such damage!" or maybe "Look out!!! Boomerang!!! Duck!!!"
Well, I think the first two are wise and I appreciate the info.

I would have liked to visit my friends in Sycamore since I was so close, but the schedule was such that there was just not enough time for a visit of that nature. I'll try to get down again though, to say hello.

Regarding the last entry: We did not get together on Saturday as she was taken ill. I am, at this point, playing things by ear and trying to simply let it evolve naturally. I don't want to "have a talk" with her and make this a bigger thing than it may be. I do tend to overthink things a bit!

Ok, take care, all for now.

-M

How far we have come...

2006-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

...And yet how far we have to go.

This past week has been an interesting one. I find myself facing a reality that I would give anything to avoid. The reason I wish to avoid reality is that I find it confusing and inflexible. Ok... in the words of Inigo Montoya, "Let me 'splain.[pause] No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

I met a girl recently that is in the throws of a divorce. I be-friended this woman, mainly for three reasons. 1) I know what divorce is like and I know sometimes it is nice to just have a friend to talk to. 2) She is an artist and I have found it rewarding to have friends who pursue the arts. And 3) I do not know many people up this way and it is nice to make a friend. -- If you noticed, I used the word friend in all three reasons given. The problem came when, after talking to her a few times and getting to know her better, I found myself attracted to her. She thinks like I do, has the same weird sense of humor as I do, enjoys similar things and we get along really well. She sounds great right? Well... She is. But I was not looking for a relationship! Now I am at that critical juncture of deciding weather or not moving forward with what is quite possibly an unhealthy relationship is a good idea. Reading that sentence should make it clear.

She is a great person and under different circumstances would probably make a great girlfriend. The thing is, after getting together with her a couple of times I find myself feeling uneasy. Yes, she is not yet divorced and that raises some questions of her emotional state. There is also the thought that we might be getting along so well simply because we are getting along so well. Again, "let me 'splain."

After getting divorced (and in her case, as well as many others, having been in difficult or unhealthy relationships) meeting someone who treats you nicely, with respect and a certain amount of unrealistic infatuation, it is quite easy to glom onto that person and hope for the best... even if it is wrong. There are too many questions, yet the biggest one is the one I have yet to mention...

Am I ready? For any of this?

The answer is not so easy. I am very ready to begin dating should the opportunity present itself and the tone of the aforementioned opportunity is such that little or no responsibility or stress of a defined and expectation bearing relationship is placed upon my already weakened constitution. (Breath!)

I find I am in deep desire of friendships. I want to go out from time to time and just hang out. I also would not mind, and find it a very sensable as well as healthy desire, dating... women... alot of women. Realize by dating I mean basicly befriending, hanging out, watching movies, playing pool and going rollerblading, maybe painting, maybe going to the museum... The fact is, I am not ready to begin a "relationship" that involves a comitment of any kind. And that's ok!

Now I have to wrap up a my lunch is coming to an end and I have yet to eat!

My fear is that I have already led this nice girl on in thinking we could become "an item" as previous generations would describe it. This thought is a paranoid one as we have only talked a half dozen times on the telephone and met twice. Perhaps we have beared our souls and put our trust in strangers only to find a sence of dissapointment within ourselves... because it is hard to trust these days. At any rate, I am now charged with the task of explaining to this good person that I am, as I am, not ready to move forward and would like to "just be friends." And hopefully she understands I am not blowing her off but persuing an even deeper and more meaningfull relationship as friends tend to last much longer than "significant others." (Of course I am referring to couples in dating situations)

Ooop! Gotta go!
Matthew

Let's Try This Again...

2006-04-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I came in to the Library and wrote a nice, long, extremely well thought out entry dealing with the past weekend and how great life is and that I have nothing to complain about... then, as I tried to post this awsome entry of joyousness, blogger.com sent an error page letting me know they were going to be down for the next 45 minutes for maintenance reasons. OF COURSE this ment my entire entry was lost and NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!!!

Actually, I will go ahead and recap (briefly) what it all said, but it won't be as good. It was funny and witty and thoughtfull... it would make you cry!

Ok, Ok, Ok...

Last weekend was a genuine cause for celebration as I witnessed the baptism of Eli Brink, the newest member of the Brink household. Eli is Rob and Jessica's second son and I was given the honor to not only witness the baptism, but get up close and personal! I was asked to serve as Eli's Godfather, an amazing honor that I am not sure I am deserving of. I mean, to think of Rob and Jessica asking me to be a continuing influence in the life of this child is crazy as it is... but then to realize that this is also taken in a spiritual context, well... that just causes one to sit back and slowly let out a hmmmmmmmm....eh?

To be true, I am honored. Standing there, holding Eli before handing him to the pastor, I realized how important it is to be there for those who need you. Eli is so precious and small, and we stood up and declared that we were taking the responsability to see him through... anything, everything. It's pretty cool! It also made me greatful for my friends and family. Sometimes (like the past year) I have felt pretty small and kind of fragile. You have been there to support me, to see me through and I say THANK YOU!!! And if you are reading this, I mean you. No matter how big or small of an influence you think you are/were in my life, I consider you family. I don't just let anyone read my blog you know! Unless of course someone happens upon it randomly... and then, well... what the hell, big families are fun!

So hooray for Eli! Hooray for YOU! Hooray for me too! (why be left out?)

Ok! So I had a bunch of other stuff but I am tired so too bad.

Take care,

Matthew

Give Me An "A"

2006-04-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I was having a discussion with my niece and my sister regarding grading at the elementary school my niece currently attends. It is the same school I attended as a lad, not that you would know it. The school has had an addition or two built on, the faces are all new and now they have decided that the standard grading system I grew up with is no longer good enough. Today's children get grades like, "Exceeds Expectations." That is an "E," the best you can achieve now. You see, it would seem society is so concerned about the fragile psyche of our children that, it has been decided, if a child sees a large red "F" on top of his or her homework it would undoubtedly cause irreparable damage. Oh, and that is a new one too! Most schools are no longer allowed to grade papers using red pens. Apparently a man in New Hampshire, who failed the third grade six times, goes into epileptic type seizures whenever he sees anything written in red pen! It is amazing how incredibly delicate today's children have become. What I find even more amazing is that the same people who have took it upon themselves to be the guardians against evil red pen markings and damaging grades have also decided, in many cases, the arts are not necessary. Cut budgets! Loose the theater and art programs! Music? Who needs it?

When are people going to get their heads out of their chosen orifice's long enough to realize that what children lack today is a balance between discipline and nurtured creativity. Today's youth need leaders who lead. People who say no. Our society has turned a deaf ear to traditional ethics and morals. We have let go of respect for our elders, replacing it with arrogance and pride. Every generation has it's issues, it's problems that effect social change in a negative direction, but it would seem that no generation has had such a reversal of authority as the current one. Just who is in charge?

There is a good idea. Let us look for a moment at who is in charge. On a larger scale we have the government, headed by our president who has all but instituted euthanasia. I know, I know what you are thinking... "What? No he hasn't!" Perhaps you are right on a quite literal level, but look at what our government has done for the elderly community: dwindling social security, retirement and medical benefits are being sucked dry, elderly living communities are under staffed, have limited funding and many just don't take care of the people living within their walls as they ought. Retirement is pushed back by necessity of financial livelihood, sometimes past the point of being physically affordable. But getting back to a community level, who is in charge of the children? They attend schools where teachers are not able to teach. Oh they may extend knowledge of certain subjects within classroom walls, but if one teacher repremands a child in a stern manner they are called abusive. Parents who should be involved with their own children but are too busy working and keeping up with the Jones' take their children at their word and defend them against the institution they are sending their kids to in the first place. I know some children are being taught morals and discipline and respect, and thank God too! I look at my niece who I think is a very bright young girl and I am excited about her future. My Sister is a great mom who, in my opinion, is doing a fantastic job. I also look at my friends who have children. I am very much in awe of their parental skills. So where is all of this coming from?

I see children given too much responsibility and authority without enough education and training. I see attitudes among teenagers that promote initial violence rather than salutations. When did it become dangerous to walk down the street? You can see it in their eyes. Trying to establish dominance. Trying to protect themselves from the other guy who has that same look in his eyes. Or Maybe, just maybe it's trying to prove themselves to a generation of adults who are too busy to take notice. Too busy to say "we are proud of you." I don't know...

I can say this. I heard those words from my parents this past weekend, "I am proud of you." It felt amazing. I was more pleased with hearing those words than if I had won the lottery, although that would not be half bad either. I remind you that I don't know many things. I only write what is on my mind (refer to the definition of this blog - displayed in the first main entry). I might be and probably am wrong in some of what I have said. But I know I am not wrong to be concerned for the youth of today, who incidentally are the leaders of tomorrow! I am also not wrong to say to those of you who have kids, never let them have to wonder if you are proud of them, or if you love them, or if you approve or disapprove of their behavior. Lead. Be an example for your children and all children. Never assume they know how much you care because even if they do, that will never take the place of hearing it.

Ok, I am done rambling about this for now.

Speaking of kids and parents who "Exceed Expectations," this weekend I will be traveling to Beloit, WI to witness the baptism of Eli Brink! I have been asked to be Godfather to the boy, it was an offer I couldn't refuse!

Take care, until next time - Matthew

Extra Special Holiday Entry!!!

2006-04-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's not that special. I just wanted to check in and say "Hello."

I have been having a fantastic weekend. Although it began a bit rumbly tumbly!!!
Last Thursday I received a letter from a collections agency in Ohio. A bill that, as I understood it, was payed a while ago by she who must not be named (we shall hensforth refer to her simply as "X"). Apparently the bill had not been paid and was then sent to collections. The bill was not terribly huge and, as described durring the divorce, was the responsability of "X" to take care of, along with other "loose ends" from our "Ohio excursion." (I like all the quotation marks, think of Dr. Evil when you read those.... "Ohio excursion.")

Anywho, the collections agency send me a harassing letter that explains I am to pay the total amount of "$12,705.00" At seeing this I was about ready to drive to Ohio and give a good 'ol fasioned ass whoopin! Or two! Or THREE!!! HA! HA HA!!!!!

Ok, Ok... take a breath... it's ok. It'll be ok.

So I have left two messages for the business that the bill was originally for with regards to working out the details of this situation and coming to some sort of agreement. I have yet to hear back. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday night I got in a cooking mood and, after catching my "second wind," stayed up until two in the morning making stuffed mushrooms, quesadillas and cookies!!! I have subsaquently been tired for the past three days. Oh, and a note: if you are going to stay up until two in the morning cooking, don't make the cookies last... they burn kinda easy. (after the first batch they were fantastic)

Friday I drove to Janesville to spend the weekend with family and friends in celebration of Easter. I did the good son thing and picked up flowers for my mom and chocolate goodies for dad. I ran into my aunt at the store who asked "who are those (flowers) for?" "They're for my Mom!" I exclaimed. "You are so much like your dad!" She said "That's a good thing!" I replied.

I got home and so far I have played tennis and gone rollerblading with my sister and neice, durring which I got nice and sun burnned, changed the oil in my car, which I lovingly slopped onto the tarp I was lying on, spent some time with my very good friends Rob and Jess and their two sons Aiden and Eli, and am now ready to celebrate easter with my family. Hoo Waa!

I hope your easter weekend is turning out to be as great as mine. I'll be back down to Janesvill next weekend for little Eli's baptism. I am proud (and honored) to say I have been asked to serve as godfather. So take care, I'll see you again soon.

-Matthew

Self-Check: I'm experiency a sensation of joy.

Abrupt End to Laughter!

2006-04-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you want to know what happened eh?

So you want to know if I talked to the girl eh?

Well, I'll tell you...... No. At least, not at first. You see I sat in the library after writing last weeks entry and thought to myself... "It shouldn't be this hard, you know? I mean why am I so nervous? Maybe I'm not ready to do this. Maybe I'm not ready to get to know anyone! Nah! That is just an excuse, but something isn't right... maybe I'll come back tomorrow." And I walked out of the library with a real sense of blah! A real "I failed" moment. "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself" I thought, "this is a sort of big thing you know? I mean it isn't as though I have any real experience with this sort of thing and besides, why force something you're not sure of... right?" But then I thought, "You know, I am really paranoid. Definitely reading too much into this (typical)."

As the week progressed I felt really stupid, but not as stupid as Friday after work. I got out a whole half an hour early from work and thought, "I really don't want to have to write in Monday's entry 'Nope, couldn't do it... chickened out... again!' and this thought of everyone out there (you) saying, ' Yep, I knew he wouldn't do it, that chicken!'...So I went to the library! Duh Duh Duhhhhhh... I went in! Duh Duh Doo Dooooooooo.... I walked up to the girl!!!! Shwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Ok, ok... enough with the sound effects. I explained to the girl, in a nervous sort of way, that I had just recently moved to the area, didn't know anyone, thought she was a nice enough sort and wondered if she would like to go get a cup of coffee sometime... you know, get to know one another better. Ta Daaaaaaaaa!!!!! (Technically not a sound effect)

Now before you are too proud of my enormous feet of bravery, get ready to laugh. Hell, I laughed all the way home myself!

Her response was not "I have a boyfriend," "I'm married," (kind of guessed that one already though) "I hate you, you're ugly!" or anything else I could have imagined. No, friends, her response was... are you ready for this?

"I'm flattered, but I think I'm a bit too young for you."

Suddenly my face went very pale. I had guessed she may still be in college, she did look a little younger than myself, but was I really looking that old? Has the stress I've gone through over the past few years destroyed my rugged good looks? My boylike charms? Nope, although I am growing a beard again... As it turns out, I am just a terrible judge of age.

My response to her response: "Wow. Ok. So... How old are you?"

EIGHTEEN!!!! A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!

That's right, your old pal is a stones throw away from being a budding peda... ped... I can't even say it. Anyways... Ok... you can stop the laughing about now. She told me this wasn't the first time she had been mistaken as being older than she was. That made me feel a LITTLE better, but not much. I couldn't think of anything to say so I looked at her and said... "Wow. Ok... Well, good luck there." and "Bye!" As I headed for the door.

What have I learned? ONE: Verify your information, Qualify your leads before moving in for the sell!!!!! TWO: I got all nervous only to find that the response, although not what I had expected, wasn't so bad. I mean, I wasn't destroyed or anything. Heck, I didn't even feel weird about the whole thing... I just found it rather funny! So no more being all weirded out. and THREE: Maybe I should go to down to the bar... after this I could use a drink, and at least everyone inside is 21!

Well, apart from all that, not much is happening... I have began the underdrawing for my next painting (oil on canvas) and am still working on the acrylic. I am looking forward to going home for Easter next weekend. Take care, and I'll see you next week.

AH HA HA!!!! (Maniacle laughter continues...)

2006-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Ah Ha HA HA Ha ha... ha.

That's it, laugh with me! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha.... Ha!

So this week has been a good one. I received as a generous gift, from Rob, Jess, Aiden and Eli, a walmart gift card which I spent. I made that all important decision to purchase art materials rather than food which solidifies the "starving artist" title. I bought new oil paint, gesso, lindseed oil and mineral spirits. I also purchased a staple gun with the wrong size staples and an easle. I now have two easles in my kitchen, am I a happy batchelor artist guy or what?!

So I took the staples back and picked up the correct size, stretched and gessoed a canvas, and am now ready to begin the underdrawing. I am working on two paintings currently which might just turn into four. I have a few ideas I am pretty excited by right now so I might just start them all at once. This is good for two reasons. One, I will be able to work in different mediums at the same time, and Two, as I become impatient with one painiting I will be able to work on another rather than rushing it and not being happy with the results. The first one I am currently working on is an acrylic on canvas. I don't think I could describe it but I will tell you the name. It is called ( or will be when it is finished) "Deceptions of beauty and wealth." The second one is the canvas I just stretched and primed. I am thinking of painting a scene from Edgar Alan Poe's "the Black Cat." I have always enjoyed that story and have an idea that might maybe hopefully result in an interesting or at least well executed painting... we'll see.

Weekend Update:
Last weekend was great! I went to visit my good friends Mike and Jen in Port Washington, WI. I arrived late friday evening. Jen and I have known each other since college. Mike and Jen were married a few years back and I have been glad to get to know him a bit. He is a police officer and currently works nights so he is usually sleeping when I am visiting. We did get to talk a little this visit though. I hadn't eaten since lunch so Jen and I went to George Webbs restaurant. It was pretty good. We spent the rest of the night (until about two in the morning) drinking a bottle of wine that had a demonic goat on it's label and catching up. We also wrote a few songs (I brought my guitar with me on this visit) but they are... uh... need a little polishing... I'll save that for another time. Saturday while Jen was at work, I drew a picture to give to Mike based on the Warhammer "Witch Hunter's" army. I have never been a gamer, but I think I would like it if I had the time. The people who create these materials really do a great job of story writing and background information regarding the various characters and "societies" if that is an appropriate term. I guess "armies" might be a better one.

Well, after that Steve called to see if I wanted to go pick up a few things at the "gourmet outfitters" store. We are guys so I won't say he asked to go shopping! The store is very shiney, and expensive. I don't think the workers like me as I scoffed at the prices and laughed at the rediculesnes of over half the store. So we left. Jen and I later went to Steve and Lisa's home in Random Lake, about twenty minutes from Jen and Mike. Steve made "beer-in-the-butt chicken," asparagrass, and apple cake... all on the grill! Jen also made cucumber salad. Everything was great and we had a fun time visiting. As the evening wore on we decided to get back to Jens house... to talk and open the wine I had also brought. Mine did not have a demonic goat on it though... it had a 47 lb. Rooster! Which is pretty evil in it's own right... when you think about it. Anyways, we only made it through half of that and half of a movie before I was falling asleep. I slept till almost noon on Sunday and, after breakfast/lunch started getting my things together. Loosing an hour sort of sucks. I got back to Rhinelander around 8:30pm and still had to do laundry so I would have clean... personal affects, and take a shower as I had wore pretty much the same clothing all weekend and was starting to ripen quite nicely.

Self Check: so here I am again, at the library on a Monday, eyeing the girl that works here, trying to think of something creative and/or witty to say. What is this? Am I nervous? Am I scared? Am I tired? Am I hungry? Who's hungry? Ough! Man! Worrying about life is such a waste of time! Well, what the hell...

Wanna know if I talked to the girl? Check back next week!

It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE! (maniacal laughter ensues)

2006-03-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

With everything that has been changing in my life, I figured I had
better get off of my keaster and update this site. I have not been
as disciplined with this practice as I had at one time intended;
however, as I now receive my emails from the library once a week,
I might as well take the time to update this while I am here. I have
re-birthed this thing so many times you might say it has become my
very own Lazarus pit! So, I will attempt to maintain this blog without
deletion, hesitation or further to-do.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Last Friday was my birthday, my twenty-ninth birthday to be exact.
I spent the day with my family in Janesville, WI. My parents, sister,
brother-in-law and eight-year-old niece were present as I leapt from
twenty-eight to twenty-nine somewhere between the steak dinner and
chocolate cake. Upon advisement from my niece, my sister was kind
enough to supply trick candles for the cake. I knew something was up
when they started sparking in various directions as the cake was
placed before my very flammable face. The evening was a magnificent
gathering of loved ones as my spirit soared and my heart bounded
within me for the joy of spending but a little time with those I hold
most dear. (Nice writing eh?) We then concluded the festivities by
watching "Strange Brew," a family favorite. What? You think that
movie is dumb? Well, take off you hoser! (That is so much more
humorous when you hear it than when you read it, trust me on that.)

Saturday was equally enjoyable as I spent the day with friends. Now
friend is a word that has many meanings depending upon the person
one would label as such. In this case I use the term to define two of
my closest and bestest friends! These two have stuck by me in thick
and thin, and let me tell you, it was getting pretty thick a short time
ago for me (or thin, depending on how you look at it) and these men
never gave up on me. I very much enjoyed seeing the both of them,
as we not only celebrated my birthday, but the birth of Rob's second
son, Eli. We talked and laughed and even argued a bit. It was a full
night. Our spirits were up as the spirits went down and we smoked
cigars to little Eli. We played pool for a time and then reconvened
our little suarez at Perkins for a bit of late night commingling and
coffee (the desert wasn't half bad either). All in all a wonderful
time that put me in bed a little past three the next morning. I must
also mention the lasanga that was lovingly concocted by Rob's wife
(as well as another formidable friend) Jessica. It was yummy!
Yes, I said yummy!

Sunday I found myself a little tired, but not too tired to enjoy my
mother's chicken enchiladas and the pie I made last Thursday! The
enchiladas were to die for and I made sure I grab the left-overs
so I could enjoy them again tonight! The pie I made was a chocolate
French Silk pie and it was wonderful. It really was a success as I
shared it with my parents, sister, brother and niece who had come
out to help my mom and dad with their new computer.

All in all I enjoyed a fantastic weekend with family and friends, who
could ask for more?

Self Check:

You know, overall I am doing pretty well. I was feeling a bit
disappointed with myself after the weekend was up because of a few of
the conversations I had had with my friends. Since then I have come
to realize a couple of things though. ONE: I am really moving on with
life and, although scary at times, I am excited about that. Having
gone through everything I have in the past year or so, I have to give
myself a little slack when I find myself short on patience or
reacting out of a little fear. That does not mean I have permission
to be a jerk (I really went on a complaint rampage with Chris sitting
captive in my car Saturday!) It also does not mean I have the right
to be self-centered. Looking at the conversations I have taken part
in over the past few weeks and especially over the weekend, I find
myself talking about myself most of the time. My friends are
important to me and even though their advice and perspectives are
invaluable, I don't want to be that guy that is always taking and
never giving. Questions usually make better conversation starters
when they are directed to the listener (about the listener.)
At any rate, it brings me to number TWO: I have great friends who put
up with a lot from me! During Sunday's drive home I came to realize
just how blessed I am to have these guys in my life. And I am
grateful! I hope I never take them for granted.

Take care, and thanks for listening.
Matthew

The Purpose of this Mad Ramble

2005-09-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

The purpose of this madness is strickly to preserve my fragile egg shell mind from complete and utter destruction. You see if the random and often misdirected thoughts that fill my mind on a daily basis were allowed to build upon one another or "gang up" on me, they would undoubtedly excede the maximum capacity for the space they inhabit. If this were to happen my mind would more than likely create a multifaceted explotion of incongruent patterns. Although a display of this magnitude could be misconstrued as aw-inspiring, it is not encouraged due to the clean up efforts necessary.

Thank You

Link This!

2005-09-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

http://hurly-burly-poetry.blogspot.com/

This link is to my alternate blog - one dedicated to my poetic side.

http://hurly-burly-zombiestories.blogspot.com/

And this is NEW! Try out one of my stories! One size definately does NOT fit all! Now with added fictional goodness!